Prepare the Buckets

I feel like I need to make a public service announcement. I feel like my head is going to explode. Everybody in the area, please prepare yourselves for an outfalling of little bits of mu skull, brain and other various and sundry bits. Please collect everything you find in a bucket and send it to me. In time, I'm sure they'll be able to piece my brain back together.

I have so much going on. So many events and campaigns I am coordinating. Like a piece of rubber, I am being stretched so far in so many different directions. But I love it. I'm getting so much done, I am making changes. I am doing so much good for so many people.

I am so busy that I feel like my head is going to explode. But I would not have it any other way.

Stay tuned for more stories of this average life.

The Simplest Thing

I was in a bad mood. It happens to all of us at some point in time. I lost my bus pass and missed my bus. The bus I ended up getting on broke down. I had a million things to do. So much on my mind, so much stress. I honestly felt as though I was going to cry.

The funny thing is that it only takes something incredibly simple to change my entire mood. A song I love comes up on Pandora or I see a particularly attractive guy. An attractive gay man on my bus holding a banana, perhaps. Or I look outside and am suddenly amazed by how the sun glints off the hills in the distance. It really does not take too much to do it.

How could it be that something so simple just changes my entire mood? There are so many complex emotions swirling in my head, so many thoughts and feelings. But then, the simplest thing can change all that. Like everything else, emotions are so fleeting. Always changing.

Thoughts intrigue me. Feelings, emotions. Machines. Nature. People. I am the one who could spend hours in a park or on campus incredibly content just sitting on a bench, people watching.

I have so much to learn and to absorb. There is so much to do. I'm a sponge. And I just want to soak it all in.

I sha'n't be gone long. - You come too.

Home Stretch

We are almost there. Only a few more weeks of school. So close. I really only have one essay I need to finish. And then I am basically done... A psychology test and a history test to study for, but outside of that, little stands in between myself and summer.

I am at one of those coffee shops with friends. I love it here. It is a little warm where I am sitting and the light is not optimal, but I have my Kleen Kanteern, my tunes, my friends and my MacBook. I am ready to go. Let's do this. So close.

I am incredibly excited for this summer. I took summer classes last year, so I never had a true "summer." This will be my first. I will be working a lot, but it will be a summer. I will be working a lot, like I am now, but without having to worry about school.

I can't wait. Almost there.

Class

Oh class, how I dread you. I never feel adequately prepared. A discussion is supposed to be perused in class. It is not. It is painful. Either nobody else is prepared or nobody else cares to participate. The rest of the week is not too bad. But that one section on that one day of the week. We are not history students. This is not out thing. Most of us are taking this as a requirement for another major. The TA is great, her thesis is quite interesting.

It is one class a week. I just have to persevere through ti. It is just 50 minutes of my week. The longest 50 minutes of my week.

Gerald is cute. He is so fine. Hmmm baby! Darron is also cute and looks so bookish with his glasses. Nerdy and bookish. But so handsome. Such a great combination!

At least we are very sustainable in this section of my class. Everybody has an aluminum water bottle. Or thermos. Quite sustainable.

Arugh! It is only 10:42! Noooo! Only 12 minutes in. She did a bunch of intro/catch-up stuff for what seemed like 20 minutes. Or maybe I was only wishing it would be 20 minutes. Painfully slow.

Rhetorical questions. The TA knows the answers. Phoebe, I love you for multiple reasons. Not only are you a lesbian (Gay power, represent!), but you answer all of his rhetorical questions. You are a champion! So appreciated. You save the rest of us from the pain of pretending to know what we are talking about.

What time is it? Only 10:49? Gah! Should I leave early? Maybe I could leave at like 11:12. Claim I have a doctor's appointment or something. I feel guilty for not contributing, for not being totally prepared. I hope my guilt does not shot. There are others do not ever speak. But through looking at them, it does not seem to phase them at all that they are not speaking. Are they all not prepared, or are they shy? Maybe one may be shy. The rest probably are not totally confident and prepared.

The answers provided are so fake. So basic, shallow. Does the TA think that they are good, or does she see right through the bullshit? Curious...

V-neck shirt on a hot guy. Attractive.

Time: 10:57 - More than half of the way through! I made it this far, I can do this! YARG!

11:04 - Gah. This is horrible. I am so pathetic!

This would be so much less painful if I did the reading. I should get on that. But no. I have resolve now, but I will loose that quite soon. I will do this again next week, regret it, resolve and loose it again.

I want to leave. I think everybody does. But I will persevere through. If I get up and leave, I have the potential of making a fuss, attracting more attention to myself and feeling worse.

I know I'm not the only one. These feelings are not uncommon.

11:09 - SO CLOSE! SO CLOSE TO FREEDOM!

11:14 - GAH! Goddamnit clock! I can only nurse my water bottle so much. I'm going to run out of water soon. Seriously, let's go.

11:17 - SO CLOSE!

I can feel it!

I can smell it!

I see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Freedom, it's coming!

It's 11:20 - Let our people free!

Halleleau!

Rubber

Date: Sun, 4 Apr 2010 08:27:47 -0700

I am like a piece of rubber. Everybody yanking to get their little bit, me getting thinner. So many demands, so many causes, only so much of me.

I care so much about too much. There are so many great groups, all great causes and accomplishing great things. I is so difficult to choose which one to devote my time to. Luckily, I have learned to say "no."

I had the opportunity to rush at a gay fraternity. It is a really great group, I think that it would be a lot of fun to join and that I would be an asset to the group. All the brothers are great folks. But I have to say no. I could never afford the time to go through the pledge process. Not to mention the $200 pledge fee and $55 monthly membership price. I understand why they do it; they have to pay for insurance. But that is still a lot of money, money that I cannot afford. And with my limited financial resources and limited ability to commit my time, I would not be able to get the full benefit of either.

There are so many great causes. Young Democrats, PIRG, animal rights groups, student government etc. I have so much passion. And I can only be stretched so far.

Please stay tuned for more stories of this average life.

Self-inflicted Labels

I strive for political correctness all of the time. I really do
attempt to be weary of everybody's individual backrounds and
experiences. But there are times, where I will admit, that I am
politically incorrect within my group of friends, especially about my
own identity.

Is it ok for me to to call myself a "fag?" I am really curous... Blog
world, please comment, let me know!

To me, I figure it is like people of African American descent calling
themselves the n word. It's a word, that to them, describes who they
are. They seem to use it in common conversation with other members of
the same identity.

I do not appreciate it when people who are not queer use the word
"fag" in a discriminatory nature. It's hurtful when used in that way.
But between friends, I use the word to describe myself. Am I creating
a double standard here? I know between friends, they know that it is a
joke: slang. It seems as though I am promoting the use of the word and
those who might not be very discerning might hear me use it, deem it
acceptable, and then use and hurt others.

I like saying the word between friends... It's like a joke and they
know it is a joke. I like being able to joke about myself. But am I
promoting the use of the word by others who will use it in hurtful
ways? I fear that I am.

It would be great if we could just ban a list of words and make it a
great offense to use them. Unfortunately that is not possible.

A conundrum. What do you think? Are there any words within your
minority that are socially and politically unacceptable to be used by
others?

Please stay tuned for more stories of this average life.

Colombians and a Privelaged Life

Last year was the first year in college. I started out taking a full
courseload, but still found myself bored. I decided to get a job at
the main cafeteria on campus. I was doing everyting: cashering,
preparing and serving food, cleaning tables and taking out the trash.
Another plus, being the main place on campus where students ate lunch,
I got to see my friends all the time. I would be cleaning tables or
cashering and see a friend and chat for a minute. Like any new job, I
really liked it.

One day I was cleaning tables and came accross somebody in one of my
classes. He is from Colombia and he jokingly said something to me
along the lines of "now you get to see what it is like working like an
immigrant." I did not know what to make of it at the time: I just
shrugged. But to this day, a year and a half later, I am still
thinking about that comment.

Since when does the fact that I am Caucasian mean that I am above
cleaning tables? Just because I am white, do I have too much "pride"
to do that? Just because I am white, do I not understand the
inequality and poor working conditions that immigrants are forced to
work under?

I am above nothing. I need money, I will take any job. I do not have
too much "pride" to do any job. Just because I am white does not mean
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. If annoys me that people
have that misconception about me. I know that they are making
generalizations about all white people, but as most everybody knows,
I'm not your average Joe.

I understand that I lead a privelaged life. I have amazing friends, an
amazing family, the opportunity to attend one of the best schools on
the nation. But by no means have I ever been entitled to this
lifestyle. I worked hard for it.

I know my friend thought nothing of the comment he made, but the
comment made me think. Generalizations are dangerous.

Please stay tuned for more stories of this average life.